How to Fall in Love, All Over Again
Do you ever feel like things in your marriage have kind of gone on auto pilot?
I totally get it.
After having kids, it can sometimes be hard to imagine that the carefree couple who started this journey together are still in there somewhere. You may be tired after a long day of mothering and your husband is exhausted too.
Two ships passing in the night.
It can be difficult to even have a coherent conversation, let alone really connect or work on your relationship.
So what do you do?
I had a client come to a session where we were talking about creating meaningful connection in her marriage.
She explained, “It’s kind of impossible to connect when I haven’t even seen him in 3 days. He’s at work and I’m at work and then we’re taking kids to basketball or violin lessons. We just don’t have time.”
Then she went on to tell me all the thoughts she had been having about him while they had been apart. Most of them were pretty negative.
I pointed out to her that they didn’t need to be together in the same room for her to be having a relationship with her husband. She is having conversations with him in her head all the time, and whether she was aware of it or not, those thoughts are impacting her relationship with him, even when he is gone.
The thoughts that you are having in your brain about another person are what creates your reality about that relationship, regardless of what the other person is doing. That’s it. Just the thought you are having in your mind.
A great example of this is when we have a loved one die. They are no longer here physically, but we are still thinking about them, wondering what they would say about a certain situation, or we may even have conversations with them. The relationship continues even if the person has died, because our thoughts about them continue.
So the thoughts you are consistently having about your husband, positive and negative, are creating your relationship.
What thoughts are you having? Write down the top 5 thoughts that you have most regularly. This will give you a good snapshot of what kind of relationship you are creating.
Then you can take stock. Are these thoughts leading you to a happier, more connected marriage? If not, let’s find some new ones that are going to get you where you want to go.
It really doesn’t take big grand gestures to connect.
Sometimes we think that we need to have a big, extravagant vacation in order to strengthen your relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth (although I’m never going to say no to an island vacation!)
It is all in the small things.
You can start tonight by asking simple questions. We are each constantly evolving as individuals. Maybe when you started dating 20 years ago, your favorite candy bar was Reese’s, but now you love Symphony bars. Does your husband know about the change? Do you know what things have changed for him?
One of the things that make our relationships interesting and exciting is that we are always learning new things about one another. We learn to fall in love with the newer version of our spouse.
Start by asking about his likes or dislikes. Talk to him like you have never met before. Learn about what he thinks about his family, or your family. What are his favorite things about his work? Being a father? Where does he get the most frustrated?
Learning all these little details all over again can rekindle the flame of your relationship and help you see each other as new creatures. And you will start thinking new thoughts that are going to strengthen and enliven your marriage.
If you’d like more resources on how to ask your spouse great questions, and start connecting in a whole new way, click the button below to set up a free, no obligation call. I can help you feel better and more connected in just one call.