How Do I Get My Husband To Change
I’ll be honest, in some form or another, this is the question I get from my clients more than any other. By a lot, you guys.
I just wish he would pay more attention to how he spends money.
Why can’t he talk to me more?
I would love it if my husband had more confidence in himself.
He plays video games too much.
He doesn’t want to me to spend money.
Why can’t he just accept me as I am?
I can’t trust him.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that these aren’t areas that we want to look at. What I am saying is that every one of those statements are things that I have heard from clients and each one is saying, to some degree, “I need my husband to change.”
We all want to believe that if only he would change X, Y or Z…then our marriage would be great. Then I could be happy in my marriage.
Here’s the thing. Our brains are programmed to constantly be looking for a problem. It is a survival mechanism built into our brains to help keep us on the look out for possible threats and dangerous circumstances.
We are constantly looking out for things that are wrong, whether we mean to or not. It is wired into our brains.
Which means, even if he did change, you would still find something wrong. Your brain is a really powerful tool and has had millions of years of of experience finding everything that is wrong with your environment, your relationships and yourself in order to survive.
As soon as you fix one problem, it will inevitably find another one.
I see this happen with my kids all the time. A few days ago, my daughter didn’t want to do her homework, to the point that she was sobbing. She said it was too hard.
“I will help you figure it out.” I told her.
“But I don’t have a pencil.” More tears.
“Luckily, I have one in my desk. We can go grab it.”
“But I’m cold.” So many tears.
“Ok, we can grab a blanket too.”
“I’m so hungry!”
Can you see how this is going? It didn’t matter that I could fix every problem, her brain was attuned to every thing wrong happening in her world and there will always be more to find.
This shows up in our marriage relationships too.
This looks like when I want my husband to start helping out more around the house. Then if he does, he isn’t doing it the right way. Or he doesn’t do it when I need it to get done. Or even, I want him to want to do it without me having to ask.
Can you see how this is kind of a no-win situation? There is always a problem to be found.
So how do we get around this tendency?
The first step is really practicing the belief that my husband does not need to change in order for me to be happy. Like, anything. He doesn’t need to change anything for me to be happy. Really.
After practicing this belief for the last 3 or 4 years, I can say that I now believe this 100%.
Do I still have times when I wish he would change or do something differently? Of course! But it has nothing to do with my happiness.
You know the best part? Now that my brain isn’t so busy trying to find things that are wrong with my husband, it is free to think about other, more productive, problems to solve. Which is way more fun.
So what is getting in the way of believing that your husband doesn’t need to change? I would love to hear about it and help you get to this place of finding real happiness, without your husband having to change at all.
You can click the button below to set up a free coaching session where we will come up with a plan to get you there.